Suddenly

Sometimes I wonder how my depression suddenly kicked in so badly when I at the happiest point in my life.  I was depressed after my mother died, but that was understandable.  Now, I'm married, in a beautiful home, I'm a housewife, I love my life.  Yet it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.

Was it that my happiness kicked my depression out of my subconscious?  With nothing to complain about in my daily life, are my past sadnesses coming back to haunt me?  I didn't cry over my mother once on my wedding day.  Why do I suddenly crave her embrace now?

After the new year, I will call my doctor about starting therapy.  I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired for no good reason.  My life is amazing.  I wish my brain knew that.

Depression

I think I finally need to come to terms with my depression.  My mom's been gone more than five years, and it's taken me this long to really admit it.  My life is amazing, and I am truly happy.  Yet this depression keeps creeping in, making me tired and useless.  I'm a housewife with many hours in my day, and I don't get nearly enough done.  Waking up is hard.  Getting showered and dressed is hard.  Doing chores around the house takes forever.  I need this to change.

It's not all about my mother.  My weight is the other issue; having been thin till age 21, being 75 lbs. overweight at age 29 is horrifying to me.  I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my lack of motivation and willpower.  I need to stop the self-hate cycle.

I know I need therapy.  I've steadfastly avoided it for years, and I think I finally know why.  My ex-boyfriend, the one I was with for six years that messed me up pretty bad emotionally, was a psychology major.  Through college, he was constantly giving "therapy" to others.  I associate it with him and want nothing to do with it.  In a lovely catch-22, therapy would help me get over that.  I need to bite the bullet on that issue and just go.  This is not easy for me to admit.

I miss my mother every day.  I miss having parents in general.  I hate my dad for leaving us, but want nothing to do with him because he is such a horrible person.  I love my in-laws and my aunt and uncle, but it's not the same.  No one can ever replace the experience of having two parents in my life that have known me since birth and love me unconditionally.  I draw into myself because I don't want to burden people with my problems.  I could let it all out to my parents, and they would comfort me.  I miss that more than anything.

My mother wasn't perfect, but she was my mother.  I need to learn to live without her, and to do that, I need help.