Suddenly

Sometimes I wonder how my depression suddenly kicked in so badly when I at the happiest point in my life.  I was depressed after my mother died, but that was understandable.  Now, I'm married, in a beautiful home, I'm a housewife, I love my life.  Yet it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.

Was it that my happiness kicked my depression out of my subconscious?  With nothing to complain about in my daily life, are my past sadnesses coming back to haunt me?  I didn't cry over my mother once on my wedding day.  Why do I suddenly crave her embrace now?

After the new year, I will call my doctor about starting therapy.  I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired for no good reason.  My life is amazing.  I wish my brain knew that.

Depression

I think I finally need to come to terms with my depression.  My mom's been gone more than five years, and it's taken me this long to really admit it.  My life is amazing, and I am truly happy.  Yet this depression keeps creeping in, making me tired and useless.  I'm a housewife with many hours in my day, and I don't get nearly enough done.  Waking up is hard.  Getting showered and dressed is hard.  Doing chores around the house takes forever.  I need this to change.

It's not all about my mother.  My weight is the other issue; having been thin till age 21, being 75 lbs. overweight at age 29 is horrifying to me.  I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my lack of motivation and willpower.  I need to stop the self-hate cycle.

I know I need therapy.  I've steadfastly avoided it for years, and I think I finally know why.  My ex-boyfriend, the one I was with for six years that messed me up pretty bad emotionally, was a psychology major.  Through college, he was constantly giving "therapy" to others.  I associate it with him and want nothing to do with it.  In a lovely catch-22, therapy would help me get over that.  I need to bite the bullet on that issue and just go.  This is not easy for me to admit.

I miss my mother every day.  I miss having parents in general.  I hate my dad for leaving us, but want nothing to do with him because he is such a horrible person.  I love my in-laws and my aunt and uncle, but it's not the same.  No one can ever replace the experience of having two parents in my life that have known me since birth and love me unconditionally.  I draw into myself because I don't want to burden people with my problems.  I could let it all out to my parents, and they would comfort me.  I miss that more than anything.

My mother wasn't perfect, but she was my mother.  I need to learn to live without her, and to do that, I need help.

How do I?

How do I get married...without my Momma there? Two months from today, I will marry the love of my life, and my Momma never even got to meet him.  He is loving and kind and mature and sweet, and she died two years before he even came into my life.  She would have loved him.

Throughout the wedding planning process, it was always at the back of my mind that I would be doing this without her.  All the stress, the freaking out, the moments where I was sure my wedding would be a tacky mess...she wasn't there.  She won't be there, because cancer took her from me.

On June 23, 2005, my 51-year-old mother died after a year-long battle with mesothelioma; cancer of the lining of the lung due to asbestos exposure.  How that came to pass is a story for another day.  I was 23 and my sister was 17.  Our father hasn't been in our lives since our parents divorced in 1995.  We were orphans.

One day, when I was convinced my wedding will be a disaster, something occurred to me.  My momma never let anything bad happen to me.  I haven't been in a single car accident since she died, despite some close calls (and only one motorcycle accident, which I walked away from with a skinned knee); I met the love of my life in the enormous sea of online dating; my fiancé and I found the house of our dreams after the price magically dropped.  She has always been there.  Why would my wedding be any different?  My momma will be there, making sure nothing goes wrong.

I'm including her in any way I can: her wedding picture (one without my dad in it), displaying her wedding gown, a donation to the American Cancer Society in her (and my fiancé's grandmother's) memory for favors. I know she'll be there.  I know I'll be thinking about her.

She'll be there.